The Year I Crashed Again: What 10 Months in Burnout Taught Me

This week I’m sharing something I’ve been avoiding: the real story of my 2025. Not the polished version. The messy truth about viral illness, grief, 10 months of burnout, and finally getting the help I’d been avoiding for years.

I’ve been looking back over this year – what went well, what didn’t.

October 2024 felt clear. I had a plan. Good energy. A way through. I’d be able to help more people. Then November happened.

The Viral Illness That Wasn’t “Just Flu”

Severe viral illness. The kind that knocks you flat.

And I did the classic thing – kept working anyway. Really ill. Fevers for days, then weeks. Then months of exhaustion that wouldn’t shift. Bad move.

I fell back into the trap of living in what I call the “Lost” quadrant – that space where you’re not known to yourself, and you’re hiding from others. Depression, paranoia, repeating the same destructive actions. Burnout becomes your baseline.

The old patterns came back like they’d never left. Rest became optional. Pushing against myself was back too. I felt ill, exhausted, grey, broken.

Then January 1st

A message from the partner of a close friend.

They had died by suicide. On their own. On New Year’s Eve. Unable to bear being alive any more.

I knew they were struggling. They’d been really ill before. But the finality of it – so heart-breaking. So cruel.

I felt numb. Which was understandable. But it went on for months.

Living in “Lost” for 10 Months

November 2024 to September 2025. Ten months oscillating between chronic stress and full burnout.

The burnout stages are real – I lived through them:

Stage 3 (Chronic Stress): Dreading each day, cynicism creeping in, exercise stops, everything feels like a chore.

Stage 4 (Full Burnout): Feeling numb, detached, asking “what’s the point?”, both mental and physical health crashing.

Over the summer I became particularly paranoid. Unbearable to be around. But I felt I had to “keep going.” Addicted to the idea of working, being productive.

I couldn’t bear the idea that I somehow hadn’t “got it all worked out.”

The Four Quadrants of Mental Health

There’s this adaptation of the Johari Window I use for men’s mental health. Four quadrants that explain where we live psychologically:

Arena (Known to Self, Known to Others)

Living authentically, open about struggles, good boundaries, asking for help, connected relationships. This is where mental health thrives.

Blind Spot (Not Known to Self, Known to Others)

Others see your stress, you minimize it, “I’m fine” while clearly not, irritability you don’t notice, declining self-care. Your wife sees it. Your mates see it. You don’t.

Mask (Known to Self, Not Known to Others)

Hiding the struggle, performing “fine”, secret exhaustion, private despair, shame about needing help. You know you’re drowning but nobody else does.

Lost (Not Known to Self, Not Known to Others)

Depression running the show, paranoia, repeating destructive patterns, overworking as escape, habitual burnout, surviving not living.

I spent most of this year in “Lost.” The most dangerous quadrant because you can’t see it and neither can anyone else – until something breaks.

The Therapy I Avoided for 4 Years

At the end of my tether in September, I started work with a psychotherapist.

I’d wanted to do this for about 4 years. But I hadn’t “got round to it.” Translation: I was scared of changing. Scared of taking control of my life.

Passivity was the norm for me growing up. It was all that was modeled. So trying something new, to better myself, felt impossibly hard.

I felt justified in saying “I’d tried everything else” and had no other options. But that was the burnout talking. The “Lost” quadrant keeping me stuck.

What I Understand Now

The viral illness didn’t cause my burnout. It revealed the pattern that was already there.

The grief didn’t cause my depression. It broke open what I’d been avoiding for years.

I wasn’t paying attention to my life. I was living on autopilot, performing productivity, hiding from myself and everyone else.

My body had been sending signals for years. Tinnitus = unexpressed emotion in my nervous system. Headaches = hypothalamus saying “can’t regulate anymore.” Irritability = chronic stress with nowhere to go. Exhaustion = running at maximum capacity indefinitely.

Every symptom was a message: “Slow down, or we’ll slow you down.” I chose door number two. My body made the choice for me.

The Question That Changed Everything

My therapist asked me something in our third session: “What if you’re not supposed to be fixed? What if you’re just supposed to be paying attention?”

That question has been sitting with me for months.

Maybe the goal isn’t to never struggle again. Maybe the goal is to recognize struggle earlier, respond with kindness instead of criticism, and build a life with more slack in it. Not because you’re weak. Because you’re wise.

What This Year Actually Taught Me

One: Viral illness + grief + isolation = perfect storm for burnout relapse, even when you “know better”

Two: The “Lost” quadrant is real and it’s where men spend most of their mental health crises

Three: Passivity is a trauma response – doing nothing feels safer than trying something new

Four: Therapy isn’t the last resort – it’s the thing you do when you’re ready to stop performing recovery

Five: Authenticity is terrifying because it means giving up the mask – and the mask is how we learned to survive

Change One Thing

As you head into the final weeks of this year, I want to ask you three questions:

Which quadrant are you living in right now?

What would it take to move toward the “Arena” – known to yourself, known to others, living authentically?

And what’s one thing you could do this week that moves you from “Lost” to “Arena”? Not a big thing. A small thing. An honest thing.

We know about 10% of men have a mental health problem in any given year. 50% over their lifetime. You’re not broken. You’re not alone. You’re human.

References

Luft, J., & Ingham, H. (1955). The Johari Window: A Graphic Model of Interpersonal Awareness.

Maslach, C., & Leiter, M.P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103-111.

Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

Movember Foundation (2023). Men and Mental Health: Understanding Male-Specific Barriers to Help-Seeking.