Mindfulness series #6 – Why being hard on yourself doesn’t work (and what does)

Today we’re talking about self-compassion—and why the way you talk to yourself is exhausting you.

This week, I’ve created a self-compassion meditation that teaches you to treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a mate going through a hard time. It’s 10 minutes of practicing the skill most men resist: being kind to yourself when you’re struggling.

Keep reading for the link.

Last week we explored the power of the pause. This week, we’re looking at what happens in that pause—specifically, the voice in your head and why it’s probably making everything harder.

The Voice That Kept Me Running

My unofficial, unwritten motto as a GP: Do more.

Take on the most complex patients. Get involved in the most challenging times of their lives. Do other people’s work. Take on more hours. Work evenings. Do more qualifications.

Always more.

I’m not exactly sure where it came from. Probably the hospital culture in my junior years. It wasn’t something I had as a kid—I wasn’t particularly driven, except maybe for computer games.

But as a doctor? Do more became my identity.

And I was good at it. I could handle it. I had unlimited energy.

Or so I thought.

The Body That Tried to Tell Me

My body disagreed.

Fatigue. Struggling to concentrate. More coffee to keep going. Junk food in the afternoon because I needed something, anything, to keep the engine running.

But I ignored it. Because I could always do more.

My thoughts—though I had little attention for them—were running a different narrative:

“You’re a failure.”

“You’re weak.”

“You’re pathetic.”

“You aren’t as good as everyone else.”

Even while I was doing more than most people could sustain, that voice was telling me I wasn’t enough.

I didn’t see my burnout coming because I’d never learned to listen to myself.

I’d learned to override. To push through. To do more.

Where It Started

Looking back, I think it started at high school.

I was wiry, awkward, quiet. An easy target for some teachers who needed someone to let rip at.

I learned to live in the shadows. To avoid attention.

One way to do that? Put myself down first.

Reject compliments. Do deliberately badly at schoolwork. Pay little attention. If I made myself small enough, maybe I’d be safe.

I was really afraid at school. It was draining. I often felt out of place.

That voice—“You’re not safe here”—it started then.

And I carried it with me. Into medical training. Into my GP work. Into burnout.

The voice that was supposed to protect me became the voice that drove me into the ground.

The Turning Point

When I did CBT for the first time, something shifted.

I could start to see that my thoughts and my body were trying to tell me something.

Not “You’re weak.”

But “Stop. Change. This isn’t working.”

They were trying to protect me. Move me away from harm.

My inner critic wasn’t the enemy. It was a scared part of me that had never learned another way to keep me safe.

I started using the STOPP framework—a CBT tool for examining thoughts and changing how you see them.

S – Stop
T – Take a breath
O – Observe (what am I thinking/feeling/doing?)
P – Pull back (get perspective)
P – Practice what works

I looked at certain events from high school differently.

That teacher who shouted at me? Maybe they were having a bad day. Maybe a bad life. Feeling stuck in their job, getting older, more overweight.

Maybe they had the same problem I did: that inner voice telling them “You are not safe here.”

That doesn’t excuse their behavior. But it helps me see it wasn’t about me being wrong or bad.

It was about hurt people hurting people.

And I could stop carrying that as proof I was defective.

The Practice That Changed Everything

My therapist gave me an exercise:

Note three things you did each day.

Not achieved. Not accomplished. Just did.

It could be simple: “I made a cup of coffee.”

Or bigger: “I gave a great talk today. I helped people in my clinic.”

Whatever seemed right.

At first, I hated it. It felt pointless. Self-indulgent.

But I did it anyway.

And slowly, something shifted.

I started noticing: I was doing things. All the time. Small things. Big things.

I wasn’t the failure my inner critic claimed I was.

I was a human being doing his best in difficult circumstances.

That’s not weakness. That’s just… being human.

What Most Men Believe

Here’s what most high-achieving men believe:

“If I’m not hard on myself, I’ll become lazy/complacent/weak.”

So we use self-criticism as a motivational tool:

“That wasn’t good enough”
“You should be able to handle more”
“Other people manage, why can’t you?”
“You’re pathetic”
“Stop being weak”

We think harsh self-talk keeps us sharp. Keeps us pushing. Keeps us from slipping.

But here’s what the research shows: Self-criticism doesn’t motivate. It paralyzes.

When you beat yourself up:

Your threat system activates (cortisol, stress response)
You go into defensive mode
Your brain focuses on avoiding shame, not on improving
You’re less likely to take risks or learn from mistakes
You’re more likely to give up when things get hard

Self-criticism triggers the same brain responses as being attacked by someone else.

Your nervous system can’t tell the difference between external threat and internal criticism.

So when you’re harsh with yourself, you’re essentially putting yourself under constant attack.

That’s exhausting.

What Actually Works

Psychologist Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows:

Self-compassion is NOT:

Self-pity (“poor me”)
Self-indulgence (“I deserve to quit/give up”)
Letting yourself off the hook
Making excuses
Weakness

Self-compassion IS:

Treating yourself the way you’d treat a good friend who’s struggling
Acknowledging difficulty without minimizing it
Recognizing you’re human and humans struggle
Offering yourself kindness when you need it most

The research outcomes:

People higher in self-compassion show:

Greater resilience after failure
More motivation to improve (not less)
Better emotional regulation
Lower rates of anxiety and depression
Higher life satisfaction
More willingness to take responsibility for mistakes
Greater ability to learn from setbacks

Self-compassion doesn’t make you soft. It makes you stronger.

Study from University of California Berkeley: Self-compassionate people are MORE likely to take action to change difficult situations, not less.

Why? Because they’re not paralyzed by shame. They can acknowledge what’s hard, be kind to themselves about it, and then do something about it.

Self-criticism keeps you stuck. Self-compassion sets you free to actually improve.

Why This Is Harder for Men

Let’s be honest: for most men, self-compassion feels wrong.

It feels:

Weak
Soft
Self-indulgent
Like you’re making excuses
Like you’re giving up

We’ve been taught that being hard on yourself is what makes you a man.

“Man up.”
“Push through.”
“Don’t be soft.”
“No excuses.”

But here’s the thing: Those messages are keeping you exhausted, isolated, and unable to actually deal with difficulty.

Real strength isn’t pretending you’re fine when you’re not.

Real strength is acknowledging: “This is hard. I’m struggling. And that’s okay.”

That takes more courage than pretending everything’s fine.

Think about it:

When a mate is going through something difficult, do you tell them to “man up” and stop being weak?

No. You acknowledge it’s hard. You offer support. You’re kind.

Why can’t you do that for yourself?

The Three Components

Psychologist Kristin Neff identifies three core components of self-compassion:

1. Self-Kindness (vs. Self-Judgment)

Instead of: “You’re pathetic for struggling with this”
Try: “This is really difficult. Anyone would struggle with this.”

Not: “You should be handling this better”
But: “You’re doing your best with what you’ve got”

2. Common Humanity (vs. Isolation)

Instead of: “I’m the only one who can’t cope”
Try: “Everyone struggles. This is part of being human.”

Not: “There must be something wrong with me”
But: “This is what it means to be human”

Suffering isn’t a sign you’re broken. It’s a sign you’re alive.

3. Mindfulness (vs. Over-Identification)

Instead of: Getting swept away in the story of how terrible everything is
Try: “This is a moment of suffering. I’m noticing I’m suffering.”

Not: “I AM a failure”
But: “I’m having the thought that I’m a failure”

You can acknowledge difficulty without drowning in it.

This Week’s Practices

Primary Practice: Self-Compassion Meditation (10 minutes)

This week’s meditation guides you through the practice of self-compassion.

You’ll practice:

Acknowledging something difficult without minimizing it
Recognizing you’re not alone (common humanity)
Offering yourself the kindness you’d give a friend
Using hand-on-heart as a physical anchor

👉 Listen to your free Self-Compassion meditation on Insight Timer

This isn’t flowery sentiment. This is practical training in treating yourself like a human being who’s doing their best.

Micro-Practice: The Friend Test

Throughout the week, when you catch yourself in harsh self-criticism:

Step 1: Notice the criticism
What are you saying to yourself?

Step 2: The Friend Test
Would I say this to a good mate who was going through the same thing?

Step 3: Say what you’d say to them
To yourself. Out loud if possible.

That’s self-compassion.

Physical Anchor: Hand on Heart

When you’re struggling:

Place your hand on your chest (heart area)
Feel the warmth, the contact
Take three slow breaths
Say to yourself: “This is hard. I’m doing my best.”

Simple. Physical. Effective.

Daily Exercise: Three Things

Each day this week, note three things you did.

Not achieved. Not accomplished. Just did.

“I made a cup of coffee.”
“I listened to someone who needed to talk.”
“I showed up for work even though I was tired.”
“I helped a patient today.”

Whatever seems right for you.

Write them down. Phone notes. Journal. Doesn’t matter.

Just notice: You’re doing things. All the time.

You’re not the failure your inner critic claims you are.

Change One Thing This Week

When you catch yourself in harsh self-criticism this week:

Pause.

Ask: “What would I say to a mate going through this?”

Then say that to yourself instead.

Not as a thought. Actually say it out loud if you can.

You’ll feel ridiculous the first time.

Do it anyway.

Why This Changes Everything

Self-compassion isn’t just about feeling better.

It’s about building genuine resilience.

When you can be kind to yourself when you’re struggling, you:

Recover faster from setbacks
Learn from mistakes instead of being paralyzed by them
Have energy to actually deal with difficulty (instead of spending it all fighting yourself)
Model healthy emotional processing for your kids
Show up better in relationships
Make decisions from a place of wisdom, not shame

The men who last—who sustain their careers, their relationships, their health—aren’t the ones who are hardest on themselves.

They’re the ones who can acknowledge difficulty, offer themselves kindness, and keep going.

That’s not weakness.

That’s the only way to keep going for the long haul.

What’s Next

Next week, we’ll explore how to bring mindfulness into your daily life—you don’t need a cushion to practice.

Until then, practice the friend test.

Be as kind to yourself as you’d be to someone you care about.

You deserve that. Even if you don’t believe it yet.

P.S. The harshest critic in your life isn’t your boss, your patients, or your partner.

It’s you.

And you can change that.

You don’t have to believe you deserve kindness to practice it.

Just try it. See what happens.

References

Neff, K.D., “Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself,” Self and Identity, 2003, Vol. 2, pp.85-101

Neff, K.D. & Germer, C.K., “A Pilot Study and Randomized Controlled Trial of the Mindful Self-Compassion Program,” Journal of Clinical Psychology, 2013, Vol. 69, pp.28-44

Breines, J.G. & Chen, S., “Self-Compassion Increases Self-Improvement Motivation,” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 2012, Vol. 38, pp.1133-1143

Gilbert, P., The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges, 2009, Constable & Robinson

Germer, C.K. & Neff, K.D., “Self-Compassion in Clinical Practice,” Journal of Clinical Psychology, 2013, Vol. 69, pp.856-867