Men, It’s Time to STOPP: Break Free from Bottled-Up Emotions and Find Clarity

I have a few surveys on my website and I use them to try and understand what issues you are facing as you read this email.  I get comments like ‘I want to feel happy with my life that has everything.’ ‘I want to find life more enjoyable’ 

For the next couple of weeks I’m going to start to focus on the one that seems most popular, Negativity, how it affects mental health, and solutions to it.

Start with the basics

HALT – Hungry, Angry, Late and Tired

So what happens if our basic needs aren’t being met, or we are under threat?  Our stress systems will start to kick in.  I remember hearing an experienced GP talk about this. We would frequently neglect our own basic physiological needs needs, to try and meet the needs and others. One acronym was Hungry, Angry, Late and Tired (HALT).  This would lead to being easily irritable, making mistakes and generally feeling miserable. 

So, what’s going on here? Essentially (and as usual if you read this regularly), we’re activating our stress systems. Partly through choice (to work on relentlessly), but also just that being hungry sets off our very primitive systems. If you’ve anyone being ‘hangry’ you’ll know what I mean!

And the problem with this state is that we do things to avoid the short term pain (running even later), rather than solve them (looking after ourselves & taking action to be long term healthy).

STOPP

The framework is simple:

STOP

Breathe – 1 deep breath into your belly.  Hold for a few seconds breathe out slowly

Observe yourself         

 Thought – What is your mind saying?

 Feelings / Mood – What is this for you? ‘Bad’ ‘Angry’ ‘Sad’ are PL

 Behaviour – What are you doing? Gesticulating? Hiding? Running away?

 Body – How does it feel? Headache? Chest pain? Sick? Pins and Needles?

Pull back – Look for different viewpoints

How would a friend see this

What would a fly on the wall say

Fact vs opinion – Are your thoughts true?

Would I say the same thing in 1 year?

Practice what works

Do something helpful

Ask will my choice be effective, appropriate

Is it in proportion to the event

Does this fit with my values and principles

Is this the best thing to do in this situation

Getting Steve to STOPP

I was working recently with a professional sportsman Steve (not real name) who had to end his playing career sadly through an injury.  He’d been given time to recover, but unfortunately things weren’t changing.

He was stuck and feeling depressed.  He had lots of thoughts running round his head.  He’d be told by friends, just string out your contract as long as you can.  You’ll keep getting paid despite being injured. But this didn’t seem the right thing to do.  Instead of meeting up with friends after training, he’d avoid them.  He was sitting in his house feeling anxious and alone.

We looked at what was going on.  Whenever he thought about not playing again, he panicked.  He felt sick, and he’d withdraw from what was going on.  He’d have thoughts about being a failure, and his professional career being a waste of time.

He’d repeat this over and over to himself, so his motivation dropped, he wasn’t really present in training, or in life, and was just struggling.

We used the STOPP exercise to look at what was going on

STOP

BREATHE

OBSERVE: He saw his thoughts for the first time – the self-critical nature.  The physical wanting to run away, hide, give up.  The feeling sick, tired.

The we Pulled back: A real friend would want him to be happy, not just sad getting money for a job he could no longer do. His playing career was actually a huge set of learning experiences, coaching, understanding how a sports club works, networking, all sorts of different skills. A year from now, he wanted to be in a totally different place.  He had an idea to become a youth coach.  He knew he had the skills and he could get the qualifications easily. 

Practice what works: But he knew he had to let go.  Granted, this was really sad and upsetting that he could no longer do the job he wanted. But he felt he was going against his own values by pretending he was recovering when he wasn’t.  He was putting his teammates at a disadvantage.  He knew the best thing to do was acknowledge a new part of his life was now coming into view.  He just had to grasp it

And you know what – it worked out.  I sent him a message asking him how he was – a few weeks after our work together.  He was feeling great, things had worked out better than he could have planned, he got that job as a coach through his connections, and a new life was opening up for him.

Want help like Steve? Reach out.

Like a lot of guys, Steve knew what to do. It’s just he couldn’t quite work out how to do it. His mind was his own worst enemy.

I help guys like Steve, and like you, get through their thoughts and onto the next stage of their lives.

Reach out If you want to have a free conversation with me to Master you Mind.

Until next week

Best wishes

Ed

P.S. I’m creating a new online resource for men to help their mental health.  Want early access?  Would you mind completing this 15 second survey.  Thanks.

P.P.S. If you’ve found this helpful, and know someone you feel would benefit from being on the Men’s Mind Monday team, please forward the email to them.

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REferences;

STOPP – https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/stopp/

 Theory of Human Motivation by Abraham Maslow, Psychological Review, 1943