What If the Real Solution Is Doing Nothing?
The Conversation That Hit Me Like a Ton of Bricks
I was speaking to a friend recently about the difficulties they were facing in life. Health-damaging addictive behaviours they’d been recovering from, a relationship that wasn’t going well, and all of this while still trying to be a good parent — making time for the kids, doing their best.
One of their big problems? Perfectionism. Not wanting others to feel bad, and not wanting to feel bad themselves. That guilt and pressure fed right into their addiction. Doing more was the escape — even though it was part of the problem. Today I’m going to look at how to get through that mountainous ‘to do’ list (or maybe not…)
The Lie of the “Rocks, Pebbles, and Sand”
I mentioned the old analogy — maybe you’ve heard it too.
Put big rocks (family, health, relationships) in a jar first, then pebbles (work, hobbies), then sand (emails, chores) — and everything important will fit.
They found that really helpful at first — a satisfying mental exercise.
But then we stopped and realised: this is nonsense.
There are millions of rocks everywhere. Oliver Burkeman’s “4,000 Weeks” makes it painfully clear: time management doesn’t save us — because there will always be more to do than time to do it.
Here’s what’s probably rattling around your brain right now:
- Work – do your job, find a new one, start something better
- Home – clean the kitchen, fix the broken tap, mow the lawn
- Partner – spend more time, communicate better
- Self – run more, meditate, sleep eight hours
- Kids – quality time, day trips, connect emotionally
- Friends – meet up, stay in touch, organise something
- Hobbies – if you can even remember them
- Self-development – podcasts, online courses, books
- Diet – improve it, try new recipes, eat with the family
- Phone – hundreds of unread emails, WhatsApps, texts
- Unhealthy stuff – stop that
- Procrastination – stop that too
- Make lists — of all the above
It’s not just hard. It’s unwinnable. Send one email? Three come back. Fix one thing? Five more appear.
The more you ‘do’, the more there is to do. An endless, joyless cycle.
You Will Die (And That’s Not a Threat)
The average UK lifespan is about 4,000 weeks. But 1 in 5 men won’t even make it to 65 — that’s 3,400 weeks.
So the big question is this:
Do you really want to spend that limited time sprinting between tasks, feeling exhausted and never good enough?
What My Divorced Friend Got Right
There’s a line that’s stayed with me. A divorced dad friend of mine said:
“Keeping the house spotless? It doesn’t matter. I’ll clean occasionally. But my energy is for work and the kids.”
Maybe the real shift isn’t how to do everything — it’s accepting that you don’t have to.
We’re not aiming to get more done.
We’re aiming to feel better — to reduce the mental and emotional stress load, to move from doing into being.
Six Ways to Lighten the Load (That Actually Work)
These ideas aren’t about squeezing in more efficiency — they’re about protecting your mind and your energy. They help reduce that relentless pressure, so you can show up where it matters most.
1. Fixed-volume productivity
Your time and energy are finite. Start treating them that way.
Try using a To Do / On Hold / Not Doing board. Some things go in “Not Doing” — on purpose. And they stay there.
2. Set working hours (and stick to them)
Work 9–5? Fine. Work outside that? Not fine.
Delete the work apps. Separate your devices. When work ends, it ends.
Limiting time forces prioritisation — you’re no longer pretending you can do it all.
3. One big project at a time
That list of 15 home improvements? Don’t even look at it.
We repainted the living room recently. We chose a day, did it, and didn’t worry about anything else. One thing, start to finish. Done.
4. Choose your failures
What can you give 0% to? Not 50%, not “do later,” but nothing at all.
This is liberating. You’re allowed to say, “I’m not dealing with this right now — or ever.”
5. Keep a Done List / Win List
Each night, note what you did well — even if it’s “spent time with my kid” or “got outside for 10 minutes.”
Those are real wins. And noticing them creates real momentum.
6. Do nothing. Seriously.
Sit on a chair. Look out the window. Five minutes. No phone, no purpose.
My wife is better at this than I am — she uses it to self-regulate. And it works.
Stillness isn’t laziness — it’s repair.
Want to Feel More in Control (By Doing Less)?
This stuff is simple, but not easy. If it feels hard to implement, or you’re not sure where to start, let’s talk.
I offer a free 1:1 call — no pressure, no sales pitch — just space to think through what’s draining you, and how to get your energy back.
👉 Book your free Men’s Mind call here
(Click through and choose a time that works for you)
Your time is limited. But your sense of peace doesn’t have to be.
Take care,
Ed
References:
- Burkeman, O. (2021). Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals. Picador.
- McEwen, B.S. (2004). Protective and damaging effects of stress mediators. New England Journal of Medicine.
- Gross, J.J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry.
- Johnson, S. et al. (2021). Cognitive reappraisal and reduced anxiety. Stanford Psychology Department.