The Hidden Cost of Toxic Masculinity: What We Can Learn from Extreme Examples

Introduction: Masculinity and Work

This week, I’ve been thinking about the complex relationship between masculinity and work. So much of how we define ourselves as men is tied to our professional identities—what we do, how successful we are, and the standards we uphold. While dedication and hard work are admirable traits, they often come with hidden costs that affect not just us, but those closest to us.

This week, I caught up with two female friends whose husbands are successful professionals. Over coffee, they described patterns that sounded all too familiar: men working extremely hard, setting impossibly high standards for themselves, and taking on new projects irrespective of available money, time, or energy. When I asked why they thought their husbands operated this way, one friend reflected, “I’m pleased he sticks to what is important to him—it’s impressive,” before adding, “but I wish he wasn’t angry at home and had more energy for me and the kids.”

This conversation highlighted something I often observe in my practice: many of us are performing stereotyped tasks as men without even realising it. These unconscious scripts about “how a man should be” operate beneath our awareness, guiding our decisions and behaviors while simultaneously contributing to our stress and burnout.

The Allure and Danger of Extreme Masculine Messaging

These conflicting messages about manhood become especially problematic when amplified by influential figures. Recently, I examined controversial social media personality Andrew Tate’s perspectives on masculinity for an article. His massive following (particularly among young men) raises important questions about why such extreme views resonate so deeply in our current cultural landscape.

Tate promotes a hierarchical view of society with what he calls “Top G” alpha males at the pinnacle, followed by regular men who are “hustling,” then men who follow society’s rules, then “weak men and betas,” with women categorically positioned at the bottom. While some of his messages about discipline might seem positive in isolation, they come packaged with deeply problematic attitudes toward women, mental health, and emotional expression.

Why These Messages Resonate Despite Their Harm

As I explored in my original article, Tate’s ideas appeal to many by offering “certainty in a world where masculinity seems increasingly ambiguous.” His rhetoric provides clear (though harmfully simplistic) answers to complex questions about male identity and purpose. Research by sociologist Michael Kimmel reveals that many men are drawn to hypermasculine ideologies during periods of uncertainty or perceived threat to their status.

The Australian Psychological Society notes that adherence to rigid masculine norms correlates significantly with poorer mental health outcomes in men, including increased depression, anxiety, and substance abuse (APS, 2018). This is particularly concerning given research showing that men are already less likely to seek professional mental health support than women (Wong et al., 2017).

The Science of Healthier Masculinity

What constitutes a healthier model of masculinity? The evidence is compelling. A longitudinal study from Harvard’s Grant and Glueck research—which has followed men for over 80 years—found that the strongest predictor of both happiness and health in later life wasn’t career success or fitness, but the quality of relationships (Waldinger & Schulz, 2010).

Similarly, research from the University of Melbourne demonstrates that men who develop emotional literacy and flexibility in their gender expression report greater life satisfaction and fewer mental health issues than those who rigidly adhere to traditional masculine scripts (King et al., 2020).

Finding Your Authentic Expression of Manhood

The harmful effects of toxic masculinity aren’t limited to men embracing extreme ideologies like Tate’s. Even well-meaning men who consciously reject such views often find themselves unwittingly performing stereotyped behaviors: overworking, avoiding vulnerability, or suppressing emotions. Like the husbands of my friends, we can find ourselves automatically following scripts about manhood that we’ve never consciously examined.

This pattern aligns perfectly with what I discussed in my earlier post on emotional intelligence in the workplace—learning to recognize, name, and express emotions doesn’t make you weak; it makes you more resilient and effective in all areas of life.

Moving Forward: Journal Prompts for Reflection

I encourage you to take some time this week for journaling around these questions:

1. Origin Exploration: In your journal, reflect on where you learned your beliefs about “being a man.” Which male figures influenced you? What messages did you absorb from media, peers, or culture?
2. Impact Assessment: Write about how these masculine beliefs are affecting your wellbeing. Are they helping you thrive, or contributing to stress and disconnection? Be specific about both positive and negative impacts.
3. Authentic Vision: Describe what a more authentic expression of your values as a man would look like. How might your relationships, work, and self-care change if you weren’t following unconscious scripts?

My Values Exercise is available for free within my Purpose Project course to help you identify what truly matters to you beyond cultural stereotypes.

Remember, true strength isn’t found in rigid conformity to outdated ideals, but in the courage to define masculinity on your own authentic terms.

Until next week

Ed

Two messages:

1. When you’re ready to start solving your mental health your way  Book a 1:1 call with me here

2. My online course, the ‘Find Your Purpose, Reclaim your life’ is available for free to readers. Get your copy now.

---

References

1. Australian Psychological Society (2018). The APS is alarmed at the impact of the National School Chaplaincy Program on the psychological health and wellbeing of children in Australian schools. Retrieved from https://psychology.org.au/news/media_releases/13September2018/
2. King, T. L., Shields, M., Sojo, V., Daraganova, G., Currier, D., O’Neil, A., King, K., & Milner, A. (2020). Expressions of masculinity and associations with suicidal ideation among young males. BMC Psychiatry, 20(1), 228.
3. Kimmel, M. (2018). Healing from Hate: How Young Men Get Into—and Out of—Violent Extremism. University of California Press.
4. Rainbow, E. (2022). The Science of Self-Compassion: A Mental Health Breakthrough for Men – How self-compassion can transform your relationship with yourself.
5. Rainbow, E. (2022). About Dr. Ed Rainbow – Professional background and approach to men’s mental health.
6. Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2010). What’s love got to do with it? Social functioning, perceived health, and daily happiness in married octogenarians. Psychology and Aging, 25(2), 422-431.
7. Wong, Y. J., Ho, M. H. R., Wang, S. Y., & Miller, I. S. K. (2017). Meta-analyses of the relationship between conformity to masculine norms and mental health-related outcomes. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 64(1), 80-93.