Why Chasing Success Never Leads to Happiness (and What Does)
I’ve been quite unwell the last 2 weeks – probably flu I suspect, and I haven’t had much energy to do anything really. What this has led to is me looking at my life inside the four walls of the house. One thing I’ve noticed is the accumulation of stuff (books, CDs, board games, toys) 95% of which hasn’t been used probably in over a decade, maybe even longer.
It led me to question – why did I buy all of these things? And why are they still here in my house? A lot of it was bought before I had kids. Interestingly, the last few years, I haven’t bought many things for myself, other than when clothes run out. Something changed. And I think this was my attitude towards happiness. First in unhealthy way (no time to spend any money), but then in a more considered way – what was I swopping my time for? Was this a good exchange?
So today I’m going to talk about happiness and positivity. What happiness is, why we go down the wrong path, and what steps we can take to be happier in our lives.
The formula for your success… (or not)
We taught the following formula through our parents, school, work and society generally:
Work Hard -> Achieve Success -> Be happy
Work hard at school -> Achieve good grades -> Be happy with your collection of letters/numbers
Work hard at work -> Earn money -> Buy things to show off (car, house, tech, watch…)
Work hard at work -> Become well known -> People are interested in you as you are now important
The main problem. It’s wrong. This is what happens instead
Work hard -> Achieve success (S1) -> New success metric appears (S2) -> Dissatisfied with current success (S1) -> Work hard -> Achieve success (S2) -> New success metric appears (S3) -> Dissatisfied with current success (S2) -> Work hard…..
We never achieve the magic of happiness as we can never get there.
And actually, we achieve the opposite, endlessly chasing, often at our own health and wellbeing, and depression can quite easily follow.
I’ve seen this myself – Degrees, being a doctor, being a partner, working at a university, constantly chasing qualifications with no real interest in the end point, just disinterest (I never attended my graduation ceremonies, or celebrated any part of my success) & looking for the next challenge.
Finding happy.
So, what can we do? Find what actually makes us happy and do that instead. That sounds too easy, right? I think the problem is that it is actually easy, but we’ve convinced ourselves that happiness is a set number of things.
One trap that we need to avoid is that thinking happiness is literally a thing we can achieve and arrive at. It isn’t, and can’t be.
We naturally fluctuate in our feelings, emotions and bodily state (if you can’t grasp this – think hunger – it is there sometimes and other times it isn’t). Our emotional states are the same.
So what is happiness?
How satisfied you are with your life AND How you feel on a daily basis
About 15% is controlled by behaviour, thoughts, actions
18-26% by current circumstances
70-80% genetics
Happiness is a SKILL you can PRACTICE. The more you do, the better (generally) you feel.
Genuine happiness makes life easier – your brain works better, you are more productive. More optimistic, tuning into social support & friendships. You are more likely to be giving, and your physical health and immune system function better too
Show me the way to happy
Choose one of the three evidence based approaches below and get improving your happiness.
Gratitude practice. Write sentences x3/day for x3 weeks. Write down x3 things you are grateful for. I practice this regularly & notice things like – A hug from my children. The colours on the trees. An act of kindness – a driver stopping to let someone cross the road safely. You start to feel more positive as you notice the positive things in your life.
Journaling – What one positive thing has happened today? Notice one positive thing each day. Write it down in a journal. However small. Sitting to take a break. Drinking a cup of nice coffee. Getting a smile from a stranger. Going for a walk in the park. Do the same the next day. And the next. It will quite quickly lead to new paths being laid down in your brain where you notice more positive things throughout your day.
Meditation – Get an app and practice for 5 minutes/day. This allows you to focus on the present. There is always something amazing happening, we just have to pause to see it. Easy places to start are Headspace and Calm. Choose one of the above & do it. First thing, last thing. Set an alarm on your phone. Do it. See what benefit it makes after 3 weeks. Try adding another step in. The trick is to be consistent. We can alter our brain, rewiring it, laying down new tracks, new patterns.
Want a happiness guide?
Some guys that I work with just want a bit more time to explore their experiences and thoughts around happiness. I can work with you to explore this in more detail. Please get in touch If you want to have a free conversation with me to Master you Mind
Until next week
Best wishes
Ed
P.S. If you’ve found this helpful, and know someone you feel would benefit from being on the Men’s Mind Monday team, please forward the email to them.
P.P.S. If you’re new to the Men’s Mind Monday community newsletter, and have found it useful, please sign up here. It would be great to have you in the team!