Is This My Life Forever? The Midlife Meaning Crisis

When Did Everything Get So Heavy?

Last weekend, I went for a long, damp countryside walk with an old friend from university.

We started talking about our friendship group – the guys we lived with, drank with, dreamed with back when we were 20. We started listing what’s happened to them in the last five years as we’ve all hit our 40s.

Redundancies. Businesses collapsing. Divorces. Heart attacks. Burnout. Suicide. Cancer. Death. Parents getting old and ill. Ever-increasing work demands that never seem to stop.

I’ve lived through a lot of these things with our close group. But hearing it all listed out like that? It felt like… a lot. Too much, actually.

And somewhere in that conversation, my friend said something that’s been sitting with me all week: “When did it stop being fun and start being survival?”

Want the quick answer? Sign up for the free micro-course here.

The Question You’re Not Supposed to Ask

Here’s what I keep hearing from men in their 40s – maybe you’ve thought this exact thing:

You open your laptop on a Tuesday morning and think: “Is this really it? Is this my life forever?”

Or you sit in your car before walking into the house and wonder: “There has to be more than this.” Or you look at your life on paper – the career, the house, the family – and feel… nothing. You’re achieving everything but feeling empty.

You’ve done everything right. You should feel fulfilled. Successful. Proud.

But instead, you’re on autopilot. Going through the motions.

What Your 20-Year-Old Self Didn’t Know

Here’s what no one tells you: What worked for your 20-year-old self doesn’t work anymore.

At 20, you could push through. Sprint harder. Add more to your plate. Your body recovered. Your mind bounced back. You had energy for everything.

At 40? That same approach is killing you.

The achievement treadmill that got you here is now the thing keeping you stuck. You’re still running the same playbook, but the game has changed.

Where Men Get Lost

There’s this framework I use with clients called the Four Quadrants. It’s based on the Johari Window, but adapted for men’s mental health.

Most men in their 40s are living in what I call the “Lost” quadrant. Here’s what that actually looks like in real life:

You Don’t Know What You Want Anymore

You know what you’re supposed to want. What looks good. What other people expect. But what you actually want? No idea.

You’re Hiding How You Really Feel

Your wife asks “Are you okay?” and you say “I’m fine” while feeling like you’re drowning. Your mates see you and think you’ve got it sorted. You’re performing “fine” while privately falling apart.

You’re Exhausted But Can’t Stop

There’s always another email. Another project. Another thing that needs doing. Stopping feels dangerous somehow.

You’re Angry and You Don’t Know Why

Small things set you off. You snap at your kids. You’re irritable at home. You know you’re being difficult but you can’t seem to stop.

You’re Stuck and You Don’t Know How to Change

You’ve tried the usual things – exercise more, eat better, get more sleep. They help for a bit. Then you’re back to the same feeling.

This is the Lost quadrant. Unknown to yourself. Hiding from others.

And the dangerous part? You can live here for years. My dad did. I did too, for 10 months of burnout.

The “Is This It?” Question Isn’t a Crisis

Elliot Jacques, the psychologist who first studied midlife properly, discovered something crucial: The midlife question isn’t about buying a Porsche or having an affair.

It’s about facing your own mortality and asking: “What actually matters to me?”

For the first time in your life, you can see the end. Not immediately. But it’s there. Your parents are aging. Friends are dying. Your own body isn’t bouncing back like it used to.

And that forces a question you’ve been avoiding: “Am I living the life I actually want, or just the life I’m supposed to want?”

Most men spend 20+ years building the wrong life before they realize it.

Change One Thing

This week, identify ONE small thing you’re doing purely for external validation. Not because it matters to you – because it looks good.

Examples:

Posting on social media about how wonderful everything is
Thinking about buying the latest phone/watch/car to keep up
Volunteering for projects at work you don’t actually care about
Maintaining friendships with people who drain you

Ask yourself: What else could you do with your time, energy and money that you actually want to do?

Can you do this instead?

If This Resonates, You’re Not Alone

I wrote about this “Is this it?” feeling in more depth here:

I’m Launching the Purpose Project Micro-Course This Week

This free course has already helped me and my clients break free from the “Is this it?” trap – finding clarity on what actually matters after years of chasing the wrong things.

I’m opening 25 free spots starting Monday.

Here’s what you get:

✓ Free Purpose Project micro-course (worth £20)
✓ Answer confidently: “What is actually important in my life?”
✓ 50% off the full Purpose Project course (£80 → £40)

Here’s the deal:

Sign up to the micro-course and you’ll get immediate 50% off the full programme. If you don’t find it valuable, you’ve lost nothing – the micro-course is completely free.

I’ve made 25 spaces available for free.

Click here to claim your spot

P.S. This framework is built on Elliot Jacques’ research, 16 years of GP practice, and my own journey through midlife crisis and burnout recovery. We WILL find what’s been missing.

Until next time

Take care

References

Jacques, E. (1965). Death and the mid-life crisis. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 46, 502-514.
Frankl, V. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press.
Luft, J., & Ingham, H. (1955). The Johari Window: A graphic model of interpersonal awareness.