Master Your Anger: Expert Tips to Control and Reduce Outbursts

Why do you get angry?

Sometimes when working as a doctor patients were openly rude towards me. One treated me as sub-human due to the colour of my skin (I have brown skin, my mixed Asian – British background), another attacked me how my voice sounded (old BBC English). These incidents made me feel great shame and anger. I was shaking uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to do. I knew little of anger, of myself, my reactions. It took some years to come back to these events through therapy and unpick them.

Men are given an ideal to follow; strong, stoical, emotionless, accumulators of wealth, power and even perhaps offspring. Given that none of us are actually like this (even the very powerful and wealthy are still human, they still have emotions), this seems like a strange viewpoint when we start to look at it.

The difficulty this causes is that you feel great shame when you don’t live up to the ideal. This shame activates our emotion centre (limbic system) and stress systems (Adrenal glands which create Cortisol and Adrenaline). If this is all on a lot of the time, it begins to make you feel paranoid, as well as mentally and physically ill.

When those people made me ashamed, angry, I was full of adrenaline, I couldn’t really think. I did what I normally do, go inside, be self-critical, keep out of site.

You’re trying to keep the cork in the bottle

I know for other men, and maybe this applies to you, they will become outwardly aggressive, shouting, projecting that hurt onto others. You may event become physically violent. This is an attempt to escape the fear and shame. If you can put yourself higher in the pecking order, you feel better about yourself, if only temporarily.

So, the default for many men, including me, has been to show control through non-expression of emotion, except when it spills out through anger or rage. This can be destructive to our lives.

Get emotionally fit

Over the past few years, I’ve worked on my ‘emotional fitness’. This is a great term by a wonderful Psychotherapist James Hawes. His book ‘The Secret Lives of Men’ gives great insight into the mental health of men, and it’s complexity

In it I found three really helpful ideas around anger.

The first is that emotions are not good or bad, they just are. Sure, we want to be happy all the time. But if there were no other emotions, this would become meaningless. If we accept happiness, we have to accept anger, and all emotions.

The second is that we’re given the rules of life early in childhood. Go to bed. Finish you dinner. Don’t speak back. Be kind. Use please & Thank you. Don’t cry. We instill these rules, I’ve said them to my children. This feeds into the belief of good and bad emotions. We’re told that they exist by our parents. Understanding that if we break the rules, anger may occur to us, or from us is helpful.

Thirdly, there are different manifestations of types of anger, divided into 5 subtypes – Rage, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive. We tender to think of the rage / aggressive forms of anger in men, and perceive of them as negative. The idea of an assertive, positive, form of anger is also a new and brilliant one for me

5 anger styles

Let’s take a minute to get a bit more detail on the anger styles

Aggressive – An external expression of anger, high energy. Some men will use this as a defence, or a way of trying to get what they want. They feel threatened, high energy anger emerges, usually verbally and sometimes physically. This is rarely healthy, it pushes people away, and can harm others in many ways. At a basic level, this is the same as a toddler tantrum – ‘I can’t cope’ ‘You need to help me’

Passive – Internal expression, low energy. This is how I naturally behave. Self-criticism, with thoughts like ‘It’s my fault, I’m to blame, I’m useless’ I had a fear of upsetting people, I like to keep them happy. One the times I have felt my absolute worst was making my mum cry by taking her for granted or criticising her. This is part of this behaviour. This chronic stress state causes damage to our body and mind. Passive illnesses include depression, anxiety, chronic pain, autoimmunity, cancers. At the absolute extreme end suicidality and death by suicide exist.

Passive-aggressive – sneaky and subtle. The aggressor feels unhappy and threatened, but tries to make the other person angry. This person may not understand what has happened, but may ‘fall for it’ becoming angry themselves. ‘Can’t you take a joke’ ‘Lighten up’ ‘Give us a smile, love’ are the phrases you may use. Banter between men is a form of this, provided it isn’t taken too far. It can easily spill into all our aggression

Rage – Primal, our attempt to stay alive. When I’m cycling on a road & vehicle gets too close, or turns abruptly in front of me, I can suddenly become very angry. This is a staying alive reaction, and provided it goes as the threat goes, that’s fine. For some, they remain permanently angry, just bubbling underneath. This can be because the anger is stored in them from long ago, shame and fear from traumas, childhood losses, micro-aggressions, but also the constant stressors of modern life. It explodes uncontrollably. The anger is not being processed, or moved, just saved up & then released, often in unexpected situations, usually around those we care about. If this is you, there’s lots of digging to be done, but have a look at the exercises below.

Assertive – The healthy anger. This is about self-understanding, and being present. Seeing that anger rising in you, what is causing it and why. Having the presence of mind to maintain your boundaries. What would this have looked like in my situation?

‘Stop what you’re saying. My job is to help you. If you insult me, this stops me being able to do this. If you don’t want to work with me, that is your choice, but you will have to go to the back of the queue.

Or if they did not stop

‘I cannot work with you as you are disrespecting me.’

Also, just stepping away if the anger was building & it was not controlled.

Let’s work those emotional muscles

You now know there are different types of anger, and they it arise for many reasons. There’s even a healthy form to work towards.

So how do you get there? Take a look at the ideas below. Choose one which resonates & practice. Each time the anger comes is a chance to learn

Retune Shame -> Rage response. Recognise the feelings inside. Ask the other person what you just said which they did not understand. Take your time.
Listen inside – what does anger building feel like for you. Where do you feel it?
Listen – what does anger sound like – thoughts, noises inside. If negative, can you notice this. What positive phrases can you tell yourself instead? (I use I am a good person, confident, capable…)
Use Motion to process E-motion – running, chopping wood, punchbags, whatever works. Notice how your anger changes with this
Anger diary – keep a note on your phone – what, when, where, why, body feelings, what started it, what ended it. Reflect on these notes, what patterns are there, what can you change?
Ask your family how they feel around your anger. This is hard, and you may reflex to your defensive pattern, but you have a lot to gain. Try and leave the ego, and just listen
Ask your family of origin the same question. There may be things that you need to heal from.
What is your anger style? Observe it. Do you use passive-aggressive anger – when does this come? What can you change?

Thanks for sticking with it. We’ve covered a lot of ground today.

If you’ve found the above helpful and would like to discus your issues some more, please book a free conversation with me to Master you Mind.

Until next week

Best wishes

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References:

The Secret Lives of Men – James Hawes