Male friendships. Crossing the line.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about a close friend who died by suicide.
At their funeral last week, I found myself reflecting on two things: friendship and looking after yourself.
Today, I’ll focus on friendship, and next week, I’ll return to self-care.
I’ve chosen to write vaguely about events, avoiding names, as things are still quite raw. I hope this doesn’t detract from my experiences and reflections.
The Invisible Line in Male Friendships
At the wake, I caught up with old friends. We spoke about life, work, and family.
Later, as I was leaving, a couple of old friends grabbed me. “We haven’t had a chance to speak to you,” they said, clearly drunk.
After the service, some had left to drink at a pub, missing the wake entirely—the stories, the shared memories, the real connection. They had gathered elsewhere, bonding over alcohol instead.
And in that moment, I saw the invisible line that now stood between us.
Over the last five years, I’ve changed my life—exercise, therapy, writing, career shifts, sobriety. I’ve stopped going to pubs with large groups because I found alcohol-fueled conversations repetitive, predictable, and, frankly, unfulfilling.
The old me would have been the first at the bar. But now, I felt distant from them, realizing that this drift had started long before that day.
Why Do Men Lose Friends as They Age?
Research suggests that men’s friendships often form around shared activities rather than emotional connection.
- In our 20s, it was university, alcohol, sport, and socializing.
- In our 30s, it was work, sport, drinking, and relationships.
- In our 40s and 50s, it’s work, kids, sport, and—still—booze.
But when one of these pillars shifts—work changes, interests evolve, alcohol is removed—the structure collapses. Many men struggle to maintain friendships outside of these default settings.
A Harvard study on adult development found that men’s friendships tend to weaken over time because they are often based on external factors rather than deep personal connection. Unlike women, who frequently maintain friendships through emotional sharing, men typically bond through shared activities. When those activities disappear, so do the friendships.
This is why so many middle-aged men struggle to form new, meaningful friendships. They know how to talk about football, work, or family in broad strokes—but not much beyond that.
Studies have linked social isolation and loneliness to a whole host of health issues, including high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, and depression. citeturn0search5
Rebuilding Friendship in a Meaningful Way
So where does that leave us? If the old models don’t work anymore, how do we move forward?
1. Accept That Some Friendships Will Fade—and That’s OK
Drifting apart isn’t failure. It’s a reflection of growth. You are evolving, and some friendships won’t evolve with you.
2. Seek Out 1:1 Conversations
A study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that deep, one-on-one conversations create stronger bonds than group settings. Meeting a friend for coffee, a walk, or a meaningful chat is far more effective than pub banter.
3. Connect with Like-Minded People
I’ve started building friendships in new ways—through meaningful conversations, connecting with people on LinkedIn, and seeking out those who share my interests.
If you’ve ever felt this drift, you’re not alone. And if you’re looking for deeper conversations about male mental health, I’d love to help.
👉 Let’s start a conversation. Book a free chat here: mensmindgp.com/contact-dr-ed-rainbow
Until next week,
Dr. Ed Rainbow
References:
1.Waldinger, R. J., & Schulz, M. S. (2018). The Harvard Study of Adult Development: Implications for the Study of Adult Development. Annual Review of Developmental Psychology, 1, 1-26
2.Hall, J. A. (2019). How Many Hours Does It Take to Make a Friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278-1296
3.Smith, T. W., & Christakis, N. A. (2008). Social Networks and Health. Annual Review of Sociology, 34, 405-429
4.Australian Broadcasting Corporation. (2016). Middle-aged men missing out on friendship can face physical and mental health risks. Retrieved from citeturn0search5