What I learned when I stopped ‘doing’

I’m writing this during my daughter’s guitar lesson. The Tiredness Trap series has come to an end, and for the first time in a while, I have nothing scheduled to write about.

So here’s the question I’ve been sitting with: why does “being lost” feel like a problem, when actually it might just be information?

Look Out for the “Shoulds”

If you’re a high performer, “not knowing what’s next” probably feels uncomfortable. Like you should have a plan. Like stillness is wasted time, or worse, a sign something’s wrong.

I want to gently challenge that. Being a bit lost is normal. It’s what happens when a chapter ends and you haven’t yet decided what the next one is. The problem isn’t the lostness. The problem is when we rush to fill it with busyness before we’ve actually looked at what’s changed.

“I Can’t Live Like This Anymore. So How Can I Live?”

Seven years ago, I was burned out and miserable. Overworked, running on adrenaline, sugar, caffeine, and alcohol, and convinced I had to solve everything myself. That wasn’t a sustainable way to live, and eventually I hit a wall I couldn’t ignore.

The decision that changed things wasn’t complicated. It was just that one question: I can’t live like this anymore. So how can I live?

The last nine months, in particular, have been quietly transformative, though I only really saw it when I stopped to look:

Physio for old pains, leading to bodyweight and dumbbell training at home
Psychotherapy, EMDR and DBR working through old patterns
Proper sleep, in my own bed, every night
Time with family doing things I actually enjoy
Seeing friends regularly
Letting the train commute just be a commute
5-HTP and L-tyrosine
Piano lessons
A work schedule built around me
No caffeine, and mostly no stress-sweets

I’m not listing this to show off. It’s the product of trying to live a more balanced, happier life, one change at a time, most of them small.

What’s This Got to Do With You?

My work has grown too. What started as seeing men for low testosterone and erectile dysfunction has expanded into conversations about combinations of treatments, and something I think gets massively underestimated: how important sex is to men’s wellbeing.

Not just physically. For self-esteem, for connection with a partner, for overall quality of life. If that’s something you’ve been quietly worried about, it’s worth looking at properly rather than just living with it. You can read more about erectile dysfunction treatment options or what counts as normal testosterone levels.

Getting Stronger, Feeling Better

On building strength: the research backs up what it did for my own recovery. Studies consistently show that getting stronger is linked to better mental health, with a modest improvement in depression and anxiety symptoms, similar in size to other treatments we’d normally consider.

You don’t need to become a powerlifter. You need to start.

A Word on 5-HTP

I take it, and some people find it helpful, but I want to be straight with you about the evidence. The honest summary is that it’s plausible and possibly helpful for depressive symptoms in some people, but the evidence isn’t strong enough to call it a proven intervention.

Worth knowing too, if you’re on antidepressants: 5-HTP can interact with SSRIs, SNRIs, MAOIs and several other medications, so check with your GP first.

It’s Never Just One Thing

None of these things, on their own, fixed me. Strength training didn’t fix me. Therapy didn’t fix me. Sleep didn’t fix me. It was all of it, together, over time, that shifted things.

That’s the pattern I keep seeing in the men I work with too. They’re looking for the one thing, when actually it’s usually five or six smaller things working together.

And “being lost” fits the same pattern. It’s not a malfunction. It’s a signal that something has shifted and you haven’t caught up with it yet. Worth paying attention to, not fixing.

Change One Thing

Today, take ten minutes alone, somewhere quiet, and just ask yourself: what’s changed in my life lately that I haven’t actually noticed?

Ways I Can Help

Feeling stuck on direction? The Purpose Project can help
Worried about testosterone or sexual health? Book an appointment at the Centre for Men’s Health
Want to know more about TRT? Testosterone Replacement Therapy or can I get TRT on the NHS?

References

Meta-analysis on muscular strength and depression, PubMed 2020 (PMID 32781526)
Meta-analysis on resistance training and anxiety in RCTs, PubMed (PMID 28819746)
5-HTP evidence summary and safety considerations, Cochrane review via VeryWellMind